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Gaping Heart
When I was still in university, I remember feeling this unexplainable hollowness right above where my heart would be. The last year of scrambling through assignments and seminars was one of the most difficult time periods of my life, with my health collapsing while the work pile on my desk only grew higher. And the strange emptiness did nothing but add onto the already agonizing existence.
This Is All Pointless
A lot of the times, I feel like there is no point to anything I’m doing. It doesn’t only include art and all the other side hustles that I have created for the project, but it’s about everything that my life is. Being here, breathing, existing, moving from one day to another. If it’s all filled with physical and mental pain, how am I supposed to have the urge to continue living?
Life Update: What Is Mine, Is Yours
It’s been a while since the last life update, and boy has a lot of things changed during that time. In May, I was talking about my three-year anniversary of being together with my girlfriend. Right now, about three months later, the thing we have been waiting for for all these years has finally happened. My girlfriend has moved to Finland, to live with me permanently.
Withdrawing
When I’m going through my worst depressive episodes, one of the things that brings me way more suffering than I already need to be under is social isolation. It is so easy to just stay at home, not get out of bed all way, and retrieve into yourself and your misery even when the people close to you just want to help and be there for you. It infuriates me to no end, because I know that what I’m doing is not helping me in any way, but when you don’t have the energy to get up and fix something for yourself to eat, how are you supposed to do something so taxing as socializing with other people?
Out of Reach
I have had many doctors in my time of being in active treatment. The one who diagnosed me with dissociative disorder in 2023 said that it was specifically my severe dissociation that made me unable to work regularly. He deemed my capabilities of any labor without proper treatment and therapy as next to none, especially due to all the cognitive delay and decline dissociation has caused me ( and continues to).
“You Did This to Yourself”
The depression slump that swallows you whole. The kind that makes you doubt your abilities to look after yourself in a way some might call the bare minimum. It is a grave dug out for you, all the while everyone around you keeps repeating that you were the one who willingly clawed your way into the dirt six feet under.
Brand New Day
A sense of frustration and hopelessness. Waking up to another day. “Why couldn’t I have just stayed asleep? Now I need an excuse to get out of bed, and I think I’m running out of them at this point.”
Biggest Enemy
Trauma is the root of all of my suffering in this life. Sometimes people, especially those who have had the fortune of not having a traumatic childhood, don’t really grasp the extent of what trauma really is and how it affects the traumatized. You might have the misinformed understanding that trauma is something you consciously think about after it has happened. For cases of acute traumatic events, this is part of the symptoms someone might experience once some time has passed from the event. For example, losing a loved one is a traumatic event that might keep playing in your mind, especially if you witnessed their death. The same can be said about such things as natural disasters.
Shut-Off
As a Kid, I used to be one of those who could and would never stop talking about their interests. The things I loved, I loved passionately and wholeheartedly. I wanted to share the joy I felt when interacting with my hobbies and obsessions to everyone I ever came across. Now, as I look back on that behavior I used to exhibit, the signs of neurodivergence are glaringly obvious to me. And because this world was never built for anybody else but neurotypicals, the children are to pay for it with their mental health and future.
What’s Up With The Gender?
Growing up, I didn’t really think about my gender all that much. To me, it didn’t hold any type of significance: I was raised in a very genderless manner (not gender neutral, genderless), which definitely contributed to the factor. My gender identity has never been something that’s at the forefront of my mind, because I don’t perceive it as an important part of who I am as an individual.