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Brand New Day
A sense of frustration and hopelessness. Waking up to another day. “Why couldn’t I have just stayed asleep? Now I need an excuse to get out of bed, and I think I’m running out of them at this point.”
Biggest Enemy
Trauma is the root of all of my suffering in this life. Sometimes people, especially those who have had the fortune of not having a traumatic childhood, don’t really grasp the extent of what trauma really is and how it affects the traumatized. You might have the misinformed understanding that trauma is something you consciously think about after it has happened. For cases of acute traumatic events, this is part of the symptoms someone might experience once some time has passed from the event. For example, losing a loved one is a traumatic event that might keep playing in your mind, especially if you witnessed their death. The same can be said about such things as natural disasters.
Shut-Off
As a Kid, I used to be one of those who could and would never stop talking about their interests. The things I loved, I loved passionately and wholeheartedly. I wanted to share the joy I felt when interacting with my hobbies and obsessions to everyone I ever came across. Now, as I look back on that behavior I used to exhibit, the signs of neurodivergence are glaringly obvious to me. And because this world was never built for anybody else but neurotypicals, the children are to pay for it with their mental health and future.
What’s Up With The Gender?
Growing up, I didn’t really think about my gender all that much. To me, it didn’t hold any type of significance: I was raised in a very genderless manner (not gender neutral, genderless), which definitely contributed to the factor. My gender identity has never been something that’s at the forefront of my mind, because I don’t perceive it as an important part of who I am as an individual.
Life Update: Two Anniversaries
May.
Few months bear any special kind of meaning to me, but May is definitely one of them. It is a month of many important dates, many anniversaries. A month of all kinds of emotions, both the good and the bad kind. And a lot of those emotions come together on one specific weekend of the month; the weekend we just lived through.
Shards Of Identity
Back in school, one of my all-time favorite assignments on Finnish and literature lessons was to write about yourself as a person. We had one of these writing sessions almost every school year at the start of the first semester in August. I’ve always loved writing, my strongest suits have been academic, analytical, and reflective writing. As much as I love literature and prose in particular, I am not a prosaist by any stretch of the imagination (I suck at story-telling really bad). But self-reflection is something innately natural to me, has always been. That’s probably why I loved those assignments so much, and it seemed like my teachers enjoyed reading my texts too.
Give Yourself Up
Do you remember what was your main interest, something that you really really loved, when you were a child? Has that interest extended its way to your adulthood, or have you forgotten about it entirely? Or, the third option, were you forced to let go of that interest because of what other people had been doing to you?
Reboot The Game
I used to be an avid Sims player, like a lot of kids my age. I was nine years old when the Sims 3 was released, it was the first game I ever had the pleasure of owning and playing on my laptop. Until then, I had just watched my friends from wealthier families play the Sims 2. It seemed like such a fun game, something to get creative with, something to explore the human condition with – in ways that I wasn’t really aware of at the time.
Pinks & Frills
I have a very complicated relationship with gender, particularly gender expression. In my adult years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing myself in all kinds of ways, many different facets of my being, gender being one of them. When I was growing up, I was not given the chance to really sit and think about why I wanted to present myself in one way; I didn’t have the time and space to question such things about myself, when my brain was far too occupied with dissociation and just making it through another day. So, like with every other aspect of my selfhood and personality, I am just now able to really make sense of the kind of person I truly am, what the concept of gender means to me.