Cowardice

My elementary school teacher used to come talk to me whenever we would run into each other downtown. Even after several years had gone by since my time in school, she would always strike up a conversation with me when I was still living with my mom. I never particularly enjoyed those conversations for reasons you might be aware of if you’ve been following my journey and the project for a while — this elementary classroom teacher is one of the many adults who are responsible for the absolute negligence of my safety when I was in school. 

Blaming only her for what happened wouldn’t be too fair or even factually correct. I’m not the type of person to carry grudges, not even for those who have wronged me and caused me significant suffering, simply because of how emotionally exhausting that way of life is. But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel a sense of bitterness toward the woman who watched my peers abuse me every day in school and then, 10 years later, completely deny of any of that sort of thing happening in her classroom. There is a sense of pride I can feel in her way of handling the situation, and I can’t help but be absolutely baffled by that notion. What is there for her to feel proud of? She didn’t even do the bare minimum as a teacher, which is to keep your students safe. 

defense.

In autumn of 2022, I decided to approach my former elementary school teacher via email. I had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder only a few months prior, and I felt the need to reach out to the woman who was partially responsible for the way things panned out for me. My email was not in any way accusatory but simply a letter of concern, not for myself but mainly for the Kids my former teacher is currently responsible for. I voiced my thoughts and experiences as her student ten years prior and told her how my life had turned out after being abused by my peers. I wanted her to recognize what had happened to me, take accountability and apologize. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I guess it would have been sort of stupid of me to be surprised by the response I got. I didn’t receive an email of apology, but instead arguments of denial. My former teacher told me that she didn’t remember any of the things I had discussed in my email happening, and that in her mind, the years we spent together as a class were only positive memories for her. She used language that was invalidating and questioning my experiences of being abused in the class by saying shit like “I am sorry our memories do not align with one another”, as if to imply that I was just misremembering things and imagining events that never took place. Needless to say, all of this infuriated me to no end. 

I reached out to my former elementary classroom teacher to get closure. I didn’t want her to lose her job or whatever else people have said that my intentions were despite not being there with me while writing the email. I wanted her to recognize what had happened by simply apologizing to me so that the little Kid in me could start to heal properly. I didn’t do it for the sake of my adult self, but for the sake of the small child who was so fundamentally wronged by all the adults in her life, letting the abuse go on and on. But like it is for many abusers and their enablers, that teacher never accepted the fact that something that horrible had happened in front of her eyes, and she had let it continue. I understand the personal conflict there and I empathize with it, but if you have chosen a career for yourself that requires for you to keep Kids safe, you should be able to handle the heat that you get when you fail miserably at your job. Because that is not just some regular ass job; it is a job of massive consequence.

When you become a teacher, especially on the lower education levels working with children, you don’t sign up to become just an educator. You sign up to becoming a trusted adult in the children’s lives, someone that keeps them safe and guides them through the first years of their lives. And if you are unable to handle that part of the job, it is my personal belief that you should not work in the field of education. Because what the fuck are you doing working with kids if you don’t even care enough to keep them safe from abuse and violence? 

That is a question I genuinely wish I could ask my elementary teacher in person one day.

Standing up for her,

ichigonya