“Just Ask For Help”
People have always had all kinds of assumptions about me. For a very long time, I cared a lot about how others perceive me, what they thought of me, whether they liked or disliked me. Over the years, though, this has become increasingly more unimportant to me, as now in the prime age of 25 years old, I have a lot of far more crucial things to worry about. But there is still one thing that really bothers me when it comes to all the colorful ideas complete strangers have of me, particularly in online spaces.
They think I have never done anything to fend for myself, or to help myself with the bullying I faced as a Kid.
It is true that a lot of victims of bullying find it difficult to go up to the people who are supposed to help them like teachers or their own parents. Often it has something to do with shame, guilt, or fear of the abuse becoming even worse than it already is. Victims of bullying are systematically blamed for their status as a victim, and especially for the way they “let it get to them”, as if abuse victims have a choice on whether they get traumatized or not. Becoming a victim of bullying is shameful and embarrassing as it is because of the way society unfortunately continues to view it, not to mention the very legitimate fear of the abuse only growing worse if you do end up going to the teachers or school nurses to help yourself.
But no matter how much truth there is to the assumption that a lot of victims do not fight back, it simply does not apply to me. I did everything I was capable of doing as a Kid facing abuse from multiple people in my life all at the same time. I talked to the teachers, school counselors, nurses, psychologists. The problem is not with me, but with the system and its chronic tendencies to neglect me, my safety, and emotional needs as a small Kid. Not even after the worst of it was over and I started to exhibit symptoms of depression and panic disorder as a 15-year-old teen was I listened to or helped in any way. Not even after my parents begged the psychologist to do something to help me with my night terrors, nightmares, paranoia, and panic attacks did any one of them do something worthwhile.
Even after ten long years, not a lot of things have changed for the better. It was last September when I was desperately trying to get into the psychiatric ward for an inpatient treatment period because my depression had gotten absolutely unbearable to live with – three times I tried to get in, and every single time, they turned me, an acutely suicidal person back home, simply hoping that I wouldn’t do anything to myself. I did everything in my power to get the help I needed, but nothing was done. And the exact same thing has happened to me way more times than I can count or recall with this dissociation-ridden, leaking brain of mine.
People who say “just ask for help” or “go talk to the teacher” don’t understand that sometimes, the people at change simply do not give a fuck about you. Whatever the reason for such indifference is doesn’t really matter to me, because whether it’s due to healthcare/education funding problems or personal attitude toward bullying, the result is always the same, just as shitty every single time. This chronic issue of negligence is what pushes victims of trauma to suicide, because if no one is listening to your screams, what else is there for you to do than to end it all?
“Continue suffering like the rest of us do”, I hear someone mutter under their breath.
Okay, then. But please tell me, what is the point in an existence filled with pain and agony, when things could be so much better if only you were given the help you need and deserve? Isn’t life supposed to be for you and yourself alone? So tell me, where is the point in me continuing to suffer just because I was abused as a Kid? Am I not deserving of another chance?
Because I am only able to do so much as a victim of abuse, as a chronically ill and disabled person. All I am asking for is just a little bit of aid and guidance. If not for me, do it for the little Kid in me.
Knocking on the doors,
ichigonya
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