Life Update: New Year, New Life
As time has gone on and I have continued to work on this project, I’ve made several Life Update posts on the new year that has just been starting. For the longest time, even before the time of Death On A Paper, I have felt like New Years is just another pointless holiday to celebrate for the tradition of it, not for anything substantial that it brings to my life. It is true that through mental illness, disability, and trauma I have become a relatively cynical person: the things other people find joy in have not been joyous for me in ages, simply because I haven’t been able to see the point in any of it.
But now, I am seeing a change of the tides in my life as I can finally see some sort of purpose to the celebration of the new year.
2026.
Thinking back on the beginning of 2025, things couldn’t be more different now. I was still living alone, anxiously waiting for the dreaded anniversaries of multiple losses my family experienced a decade prior, receiving the devastating news of my uncle passing away, and getting into a car accident with my mom. 2025 was a year full of surprises, the majority of them being negative and of devastation. Now, at the starting point of 2026, my life has taken a complete 180 turn — for the better. Having lived almost half a year with my girlfriend, my everyday life is barely recognizable compared to what it looked like a year ago.
And for the first time in who knows how long, I can see why people think of New Years as a starting point for something new in your life. Because it finally feels like that’s how things are for me, too.
Now, I don’t want to sound too optimistic, because that is simply not in character for me and would make me incredibly uncomfortable to write. I am now only realizing that maybe some things can change for the better, that life doesn’t have to be filled with pain and misery, not even for me. I have become so accustomed and used to suffering that anything else sort of makes me wary. I fear happiness way more than reoccuring abuse. Doesn’t that just sound so incredibly sad? That is what a lifetime of mental illness and trauma does to you, unfortunately.
I guess the point I’m trying to get across is that this New Years, I am finally feeling a sense of a new beginning, not only for myself, but for me and Lover as a unit, as a couple. Being able to start 2026 with them, and not in the sense of them visiting me but actually living with me, is something that almost forces me to feel like the currents of my life are shifting to something far better. It is a sense of solace and comfort that I feel whenever I look at my girlfriend sitting next to me on the couch, watching shitty American reality TV and Gordon Ramsay’s shows. And I want to welcome that feeling into this year with open arms.
I have dreams and goals for this year, and I’m excited to see how many of them end up becoming my lived reality. As I sit here writing this article, I am reminded of how strongly I felt like I was going to kill myself at the beginning of 2025; how certain I was of the fact that I wasn’t going to survive the year. Now, looking at my desk calendar, I want to extend my gratitude toward you, my supporters, my friends and family, my girlfriend, and even myself, for making it possible for me to live to see yet another year.
Kanpai,
ichigonya