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Gaping Heart
When I was still in university, I remember feeling this unexplainable hollowness right above where my heart would be. The last year of scrambling through assignments and seminars was one of the most difficult time periods of my life, with my health collapsing while the work pile on my desk only grew higher. And the strange emptiness did nothing but add onto the already agonizing existence.
This Is All Pointless
A lot of the times, I feel like there is no point to anything I’m doing. It doesn’t only include art and all the other side hustles that I have created for the project, but it’s about everything that my life is. Being here, breathing, existing, moving from one day to another. If it’s all filled with physical and mental pain, how am I supposed to have the urge to continue living?
Withdrawing
When I’m going through my worst depressive episodes, one of the things that brings me way more suffering than I already need to be under is social isolation. It is so easy to just stay at home, not get out of bed all way, and retrieve into yourself and your misery even when the people close to you just want to help and be there for you. It infuriates me to no end, because I know that what I’m doing is not helping me in any way, but when you don’t have the energy to get up and fix something for yourself to eat, how are you supposed to do something so taxing as socializing with other people?
Out of Reach
I have had many doctors in my time of being in active treatment. The one who diagnosed me with dissociative disorder in 2023 said that it was specifically my severe dissociation that made me unable to work regularly. He deemed my capabilities of any labor without proper treatment and therapy as next to none, especially due to all the cognitive delay and decline dissociation has caused me ( and continues to).
Brand New Day
A sense of frustration and hopelessness. Waking up to another day. “Why couldn’t I have just stayed asleep? Now I need an excuse to get out of bed, and I think I’m running out of them at this point.”
I Don't Know How To Feel Anymore
Dissociation leads me to the feeling of emptiness very often. People with BPD experience a chronic feeling of "emptiness", as if something is missing within themselves, a part of their soul is lost, and all you have left is the hollow empty feeling of a shell. This is a common struggle for myself, too, even without dissociation. But dissociation makes it easily ten times worse.
My Soul Is An Infinite Pit Of Emptiness
Last summer, I spent over a month on the psychiatric ward. I was acutely suicidal, I had planned everything for the moment I was going to kill myself. The month I spent in the hospital gave me a lot of answers to my situation, and the most important one of them all was a name for everything that was wrong with me.