Life Update: When Is It Enough?
Life Update posts have been very few and far in between, and that has been for the reason that nothing all that important of notifying has happened in my life recently. After my girlfriend moved in with me, a lot of things have remained more or less the same, but in a positive way. My life has found new kind of stability, something I haven’t experienced in my adult years at all prior. I am more than grateful for everything my girlfriend has done and continues to do for me on an everyday basis, because it has truly helped me find some type of grounding in this world, and my BPD likes that very much.
The only thing that still remains uncertain is our financial situation, along with the way the Finnish social security system continues to question my status as a disabled individual. Being recognized for the struggles I go through, not only in relation to my lackluster capability to do any work but also in the context of everyday necessities like cooking, eating, changing clothes, and other chores, has become more and more difficult as the right-wing government continues to cut funds away from the services people like me so desperately need.
I talk about the systemic ableist discrimination I have experienced at the hands of the faltering welfare system in my most recent YouTube video. You can watch the video by clicking this link or from the embed below this text.
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Finland has built a solid reputation as one of the only countries with a functioning welfare system. The Nordic model of a welfare country has been commonly called the most successful one in Finland, which is one of the reasons Finland has been chosing as the happiest country in the world time and time again. After the wars of the 20th century, Finnish society came together and built a system that was put in place to support the most vulnerable individuals, and with the hard work of 70 consecutive years, we made it to the list of the best countries to live in. Right now, this reputation does not describe the current state of Finnish society, because the very foundations of the system that was supposed to protect people like me are being torn apart in front of our eyes.
The most frustrating part of all of this on a personal level has been how nothing seems to be enough proof of my status as a disabled individual. It’s like I suddenly recovered and healed overnight when the social security took my disability pension away from me last autumn, even though nothing significant has changed for the better. With no proper treatment in sight, how in the hell should I have been able to recover to the extent that they’re claiming I did?
Right now, everything is, more or less, at a standstill. Me and my girlfriend are struggling to make ends meet, and my treatment is not going anywhere until I am eligible for the government-supported trauma therapy. My appointments with my medical team are decreasing in their amount monthly, and I am forced to sort of make it on my own, even though I am still in need of major support. My girlfriend cannot do anything to help me with my trauma or mental health, and it’s unfair to put that sort of expectations on them in the first place. No matter how often the social security office tells me I am capable of working full-time, I am simply not. Yes, art is my job, but the reality of the situation is that I am only able to work for 10 hours in a week at absolute maximum. That is one fourth of a full-time job.
Very often I find myself thinking of this question: when will it be enough for them? The system has already completely failed me because they are the ones responsible for neglecting me as a child to the point that I am now chronically ill and disabled. And still, for some ungodly reason, that was not enough. Now, they have to neglect me and my needs by not giving me the resources I need in order to fucking recover. It’s like the re-traumatization cycle never ends, and I am to endure it as long as I am on this planet. I’m doing my everything to get out of this situation, because I do not enjoy being dependent on anyone or anything. But the reality is what it is, and it will not change, no matter how hard you try to deny it. And that, in my opinion, is the core issue here.
With the summer nearing us, my health is going to get even worse from here. We’ll see how this year differs from the ones before, but I hope to be able to keep my sanity and keep working, though those two are almost synonymous at this point. At least there are a lot of new things to be excited about in terms of DOAP, so maybe that will carry me over the scorching hot months of June and July.
Tending myself,
ichigonya