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Life Update: Two Anniversaries
May.
Few months bear any special kind of meaning to me, but May is definitely one of them. It is a month of many important dates, many anniversaries. A month of all kinds of emotions, both the good and the bad kind. And a lot of those emotions come together on one specific weekend of the month; the weekend we just lived through.
Shards Of Identity
Back in school, one of my all-time favorite assignments on Finnish and literature lessons was to write about yourself as a person. We had one of these writing sessions almost every school year at the start of the first semester in August. I’ve always loved writing, my strongest suits have been academic, analytical, and reflective writing. As much as I love literature and prose in particular, I am not a prosaist by any stretch of the imagination (I suck at story-telling really bad). But self-reflection is something innately natural to me, has always been. That’s probably why I loved those assignments so much, and it seemed like my teachers enjoyed reading my texts too.
Give Yourself Up
Do you remember what was your main interest, something that you really really loved, when you were a child? Has that interest extended its way to your adulthood, or have you forgotten about it entirely? Or, the third option, were you forced to let go of that interest because of what other people had been doing to you?
Reboot The Game
I used to be an avid Sims player, like a lot of kids my age. I was nine years old when the Sims 3 was released, it was the first game I ever had the pleasure of owning and playing on my laptop. Until then, I had just watched my friends from wealthier families play the Sims 2. It seemed like such a fun game, something to get creative with, something to explore the human condition with – in ways that I wasn’t really aware of at the time.
Pinks & Frills
I have a very complicated relationship with gender, particularly gender expression. In my adult years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing myself in all kinds of ways, many different facets of my being, gender being one of them. When I was growing up, I was not given the chance to really sit and think about why I wanted to present myself in one way; I didn’t have the time and space to question such things about myself, when my brain was far too occupied with dissociation and just making it through another day. So, like with every other aspect of my selfhood and personality, I am just now able to really make sense of the kind of person I truly am, what the concept of gender means to me.
Thief
When I first fell ill and had the massive breakdown of 2022, I felt like everything had been taken away from me. That feeling has since persisted, and it is something I find myself thinking about on the regular. Every time I try to talk about it with medical professionals, they tend to argue against me, reminding me of the good that I still have in life. I know their intentions are pure, I know they think that they’re doing is helping me, but in all honesty, I just want someone to listen and truly understand what I mean.
Don’t Dare To Dream
Do you have dreams? As in, do you have goals or aspirations that might seem a bit unrealistic but are still something you want to pursue and strive to achieve? Or maybe you used to have dreams, as a kid perhaps, but now in your adulthood, you have lost all sight of them.
My Reflection & Me
Some people say that your appearance does not define you, and I would like to agree with that sentiment. However, this world has continuously taught me that the two are so intertwined with one another that sometimes, it has become impossible for me to separate the two. My face has become who I am, and that in itself has led to more problems in my selfhood than I can count.
I Regret Being Born
Have you ever thought about the fact that none of us actually asked to be born? For people who have no experiences with mental illnesses like mood disorders or personality disorders, the thought might be something they find baffling to even think about. Generally speaking, if you enjoy being alive and living your life, you probably don’t have all that many reasons to be thinking about how you never gave consent to being brought into this world: if you’re having a good time, something so fundamental and philosophical might be of no use for you to think about. “Yeah sure, I didn’t ask for this, but who cares about that, I’m glad I’m alive!”