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Marry The Empty
Over the years, I have gotten relatively used to feeling the way I do. I was 17 years old when I was first diagnosed with depression, and 20 years old when I got the diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. It has also already been three years since I was diagnosed with BPD, my main diagnosis to this day. Time has gone on, a lot of things have changed – some for the better and some for the worse – and I have grown sort of numb to a lot of it.
Not One of Them
For the longest time, one of my biggest struggles as a traumatized individual has been not being able to feel like I am one. At face value, this might seem like a shallow or superficial problem to have, but at its very core, it has become one of the main contributors to my ever-present feelings of loneliness, desperation, and being neglected by everyone around me. As much as I have tried to tell myself that there is no reason for me to lack the sensation of having the identity and struggles of someone with childhood trauma, the way society at large treats people like me is the one at fault, and I am not in control of any of that. So I am left with the gnawing feeling of being alone and outcast in a space where I should find comfort in.
But why is that, exactly?
Withdrawing
When I’m going through my worst depressive episodes, one of the things that brings me way more suffering than I already need to be under is social isolation. It is so easy to just stay at home, not get out of bed all way, and retrieve into yourself and your misery even when the people close to you just want to help and be there for you. It infuriates me to no end, because I know that what I’m doing is not helping me in any way, but when you don’t have the energy to get up and fix something for yourself to eat, how are you supposed to do something so taxing as socializing with other people?
Brand New Day
A sense of frustration and hopelessness. Waking up to another day. “Why couldn’t I have just stayed asleep? Now I need an excuse to get out of bed, and I think I’m running out of them at this point.”